2.4 Being there

Summer stealthily moves through the abandoned bay, silent and deadly, only able to be seen in a split second if people look closely enough. Tui’s flood the rich blue sky, swarming the bay with hints of blue and green. Waves high five the rocks in a methodical rhythm of 1, 2, 3 then it repeats. Standing tall and at attention, rocks protect those in need, their skin battles against the harsh whispers spoken by their enemies, the waves. Salt burns the cuts that so vividly mark the bravery of these defenders. Kids laughter softly caresses the ear tuned to be heard by anyone and everyone, as they play within the guards of their home. Guarding not only people but for wildlife as well. They’re nestled in the crevices, the cuts, the history of our guards, are little blue penguins nursing their young wrapped in the arms of safety. People sink their toes into the soft and welcoming sand leaving an imprint only to be washed away the next day. Splash, waves hit the cuts like never before spraying into the air dancing to their own rhythm. Waves that have been here forever and will always be here forever.

Listen. Infectious laughs from kids run along the horseshoe bend. Screaming and yelling in delight, missing the familiar feel of feet squelching into the sand, and the waves nipping at the toes. A sense of the harmonic laughs drowns wearily as the day prolonged. Down below the once desolate roads are now occupied by the bustling movement for what felt like a lifetime to the locals. Du Thump, du thump, the soft but subtle smack of tarsal connecting with the black rubber brushes against the human ear. When a word is not muttered, birds softly cry for the wind to show the way, the waves beat themselves up senseless. Quietly enough penguins and seals bark in content, with their bellies being smothered in love by the sun. Thwack, then silence, then thwack, competitions of badminton being played in the distance. Flying high and then pelting down. Screams fill the ruins, projected to everyone and anyone that the kids were indeed were best. But softly in the background, the only thing keeping everyone sane was the crash of the waves, the birds chirping and bee’s buzzing, signalling that there is still freedom and happiness.

Nighttime falls gently but surely. Shining brighter than ever on a summer’s night the moon and the stars illuminate the bay below. There the wildlife that they rarely see scuttles and gets down to business. After the long day ahead the little blue penguins emerge from the taunt waves like goddesses. Seals tango with their most famous partner, and dance like no ones watching. Sometime they lie up and down the bay taking any spot that they desire, there’s no one to tell them what to do. Burrowed underground in their safe haven are the bugs that are so vital to life. Immersed in the gentle hold the bay has on them. Tucked away in the warm arms of home lay the chattering birds, and at last peace fills the atmosphere. Before the new day awakes and the wildlife are demanded to perform there is peace. The clouds are gone, and the waves are calm. They know its going to be a good day.

So Look. Some houses are built of iron, destroying themselves by the only thing that could, itself. The paint pulled away scared from its hard life. Rotten wood weeping accepting its fate. The rundown shaggy look shined negligence. So bushes take back their rightful land destroying anything in it’s path. Chilling streets, the abandoned houses attract the foolish and scare the intuitive. Feet scuttling along the squelchy grains hidden inside sharp shells leave their mark. A cemetery dotted with stones decorated by snake-like vines, crushing them in a hug so tight to the point of strangulation. Dying over and over again. At night the little world springs to life, penguins come out to play. Waves lightly brush the shoreline stealing a little bit of land to take home. Clouds settle in the distance avoiding the peaceful bay.

So there are you, admiring your daughter as she runs along the beach. The beach that you call home. A pitch-black blanket gently settles in, and the wildlife comes out to play. You watch her, the gigantic smile on her face, her grin reaches for miles, and you smile. Her laughter fans out through the bay echoing over and over again, and you smile. But quietness is the key, so you both sit down on the rocks and wait. You wait for the goddess of the oceans to arise and the seals to take over the beach. You realise that they have so much freedom in this little world. Something that you were searching for but could never find. You and your daughter curiously watch the carefree seals, penguins and birds roam around. It hits you, that you need to be free. Live life to the fullest and do things out of the ordinary. So you decide that as soon as possible you are going to seek adventure. That you are going to gain freedom, and you have this bay to thank.

2 Comments

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Hi Mae,

Nice start!

A few things to think about:

– Try to avoid cliche phrases. Make sure you are describing things in ways that are new, fresh and original to you.

– Avoid constantly starting your sentences with the subject. Make use of verbs, prepositions, and adverbs.

– The place needs to be distinct. You want to try appealing to a range of senses and details so the reader can really get a good sense of the place.

Let me know if you have any questions!

Mrs P

Hi Mae,

Nice progress!

A few things to consider:

– Make sure that your mechanical accuracy is sound. At the moment, you have many incomplete and inaccurate sentences (often because you have used the wrong verb form). Check the endings of words or use the correct supporting articles and prepositions to ensure your sentences are complete. Also, consider how sentence structure and length can enhance the mood/atmosphere of the piece.

– Look to balance your piece. You have a long first paragraph that needs trimming and tidying up so that it fits with the rest of the writing.

– Focus on the scene description. At the moment, you are wandering too far into the narrative genre rather than remaining in the descriptive area.

– At the moment, I cannot get a sense of this place you are describing. You have focused to much on emotions and feelings. That is not what this task is about. The physical description should be front and center. Make sure your ending fits in with the rest of the piece. I can’t find the connection between the PLACE and the ending right now.

Mrs P

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